I must admit that I’ve been reading a lot of fantasy novels and watching Hero’s lately. I divulge this information as a preface to this entry. Probably it plays a big part in my thinking as of late.

I think I have a super power. You know, something beyond the normal human limits. In the world of comic books, I suppose I’d be considered a “mutant”. But I feel that mutant is such an unkind word for an ability that I cannot control and/or help. The word carries a certain connotation and prejudice that I’d rather avoid. I never asked for my ability, it just is.

I think I first realized that I had this ability when I was younger. I knew what I was capable of, even did it on several occasions. But the full weight of my “gift”, as I prefer to call it, never hit me until today, about fifteen minutes ago. I realize this “gift” will shock, nay, surprise even my closest friends and allies. And I understand that I might lose a few friends, people that I might once have called brother, sister, amigo. But God didn’t give me “the gift” just to make me comfortable. No, no. I have a job to do, and I plan to use my talent to its absolute fullest.

Before I reveal to you, my loyal reader, (I know there is only one left whom I call loyal) the true nature of my gift, I want to first offer a warning. You might want to sit down for this one. But then again, the odds on favorite says that since you’re at your computer, you’re probably already sitting. What I am about to reveal will first sock and then awe you. It’s just human nature. And please, don’t be jealous. I never asked for this. It just is.

I believe…no, I know my “mutation”, my “talent”, my “gift” is rare. I discovered it in the most unlikely of places – the bathroom. You see, during my break from work I visited said bathroom to relieve myself. Not the gross kind. Not a number two. It was a number one. Wait, that doesn’t do the deed any justice. IT was a number one. After unzipping my pants and removing my unit from the confines of my boxers, I sprayed a spray that would make most water fountains blush. I released a stream of fluid stronger than most water pipes deliver. I made the flow of water from a fireman’s hose look like a slow but steady drip.

You are probably asking yourself, “But how is that a super human power. Where is the mutation, the “gift”…what is unnatural about the cycle of waste from the human body traversing through the urethra?”
See, if you had waited just a few seconds more you would have discovered that as I jettisoned my waste into the shinny white bowl, I spied a brown stain of poo. It was more than just residue, my friend. It was a piece of diarrhea clinging to porcelain for dear life. It looked to be about five, maybe ten minutes old. It was already starting to solidify. Probably it would have taken a a Brillo pad to remove the fend. Enter Super Urine. (That’s my Super Human name.) I looked upon the poo with disdain. I sized up the matter and without even thinking, I attacked with ferocity.

And it was good.

I removed the couplet, literally, single handedly…honestly with just a thumb, pointer and index fingers. I’m pretty sure I could have removed two or three stains with the stream of hot mess emanating from my bowels.

Try not to be jealous.