I've Got Antz In My Pantz!

I have no problem dealing with most annoyances here in Palestine. For example, it doesn’t bother me all that much that “Palestinian Time” can mean any time from five to fifty-five minutes late. I got used to this in Mexico.

I can even deal with the trash issue. It being that 95% of all trash ends up on the ground rather than in a trash bin or dumpster. It annoys me that people leave whatever garbage in their hand to fall onto the ground to be blown away into the street. This is their home, not mine. And I can handle it.

And sure, I think it looks pretty ugly to post ten of those 2’x1’ posters with pictures of “martyrs”, political candidates, and advertisements for hand crème on the front of every building. They typically fade in color after just a few weeks but hang for a few years. But whatever. It’s not really that big of a deal.

One might ask, “Aren’t cold showers kind of annoying.” And one might respond, “Yes, yes they are.” But after three months of mostly cold showers in Mexico, of heating water on the stove to be poured on my head from a plastic cup…this isn’t such a big deal.

And the apparent lack of pencils and pens that my ESL students have every day really isn’t much different than the lack of pencils and pens that my regular students back home seem to have.

But the one problem that I can’t seem to ignore, the one annoyance that grates on my very last nerve, that tries my patients are the ants. Please, let me explain.

I can live with ants, alright. That’s not the problem here. The real problem is not just that we have ants sometimes, but that we have different kinds of ants in different room at different times.
First, we have the Bedroom Ants. This variety flies and bites and seems to travel in groups of about ten. They also seem to only live during the first two weeks of July. Only found between the hours of 3pm and 6am, this breed then mysteriously disappears or we manage to smash them. If I haven’t mentioned it already, they are only in the bedroom and I don’t think they would dream of flying to the bathroom or kitchen. That’s not their turf. Which brings us to species two.

The Kitchen Ants. Almost naked to the human eye, this docile ant only roams the reflective metallic counter-top of our kitchen area. These guys are quite possibly the smallest bug I have ever seen. Similar to the Bedroom Ant, the Kitchen Ant travels in groups of about ten. They seem to like the weather a little bit hotter than there cousins, the Bedroom Ants. They typically appear the last nine days of July and the first three of August. And then, poof, they’re gone. Either smashed by my thumb or migrated elsewhere. Now, you might be asking yourself, “Why doesn’t he clean the kitchen! Leave no crumb behind! Starve the little buggers!” “Well, my friend,” I might reply, “I wash the counter with soap every night. We eat over places that are washed within minutes of food usages. We soak every inch of our metallic counter top with water and some greenish detergent!” And still they come. (Or came, since they are no longer with us.)

The final ant found in our tiny apartment is called the Poop Ant. He is so called because Pube Ant is too gross and Bathroom Ant is too boring. The Poop Ant is your garden variety American chap. He is slightly larger than the Kitchen Ant, slightly smaller than the Bedroom Ant. The Poop Ant has appeared only once on August 4th but in larger numbers. The Poop Ant seems to love Deanna’s soap and can be seen carrying little specks of it from her soap dish, down the side of the tub and over the pink towel we use as a floor mat. I’m sure you are wondering why the Poop Ant is fond of Deanna’s particular soap and not mine. Perhaps her variety is not available in the ant’s convenience store. Or maybe they are unable to get the ant sized amounts that would be necessary to bathe with. I haven’t the foggiest. Maybe you’re wondering why the Poop Ant isn’t interested in the types of things that the Kitchen ant or Bedroom ant is interested in. Again, not the foggiest. But you can be certain that the only bath the Poop Ant took was a blood bath. I smashed each little guy with my thumb/pointer combination. Like rolling a booger.

So to review:

Bedroom Ant: First two weeks of July
Kitchen Ant : Last nine days of July and first three of August
Poop Ant: One day only, the fourth day of August.


The ants are the tipping point, as it were. I don’t expect another other verities. We only have the three rooms. And ant turf seems like a pretty outlined and detailed business ala Crips and Bloods.