Nevada. That’s about as far away from anything that happens in the world as I know, unless of course, you consider the “Blue Hair Incident” of ’96 as a big deal. Nevada kind of allows a safety net, if you will, to the rest of the evil. Oklahoma City was a really big deal, but I don’t remember ever feeling super upset or distraught over it. A friend who is a musician has a song called To Entertain. Here is a small segment of it:

We make these movies
Two hours of macro reality
And how they move me
Till I can’t feel this tragedy

It’s funny how I could not feel
Something more
I think I’ve seen it all on HBO before

He wrote his song after September 11 because he couldn’t feel the pain and sorrow that he thought he should have, as if he were too conditioned to this kind of thing. See, I just heard this song on Sunday for the first time, and then just two days later I talked to someone I work with about Columbine.

Enter point of blog entry.

Sarah works at my high school with me, and she went to Columbine. She was a senior the same year I was, which means she was IN Columbine during the shootings. She had gone to school with Dillon all her life, and just a week earlier talked to him and called him “Dilly,” (a common nickname she used for him) and asked how life had been. She had four years of German with Jeremy, so like, she knew these kids. She told me that she was with a group of freshman when the shooting started. They tried to get away because the boys were just around the corner shooting. They hid in an office, hoping to keep safe. Sarah, the senior with all the freshmen, didn’t think she’d make it out alive. What amazes me the most is that she said she wasn’t really scared. “I just thought, “I’ve had 18 good years, GOOD years. A lot of people don’t get that.” Very matter of factly. She wasn’t saying this to brag or try to boast, she was just saying how she felt. Her goal in the office was to keep the freshman calm until the boys came for them, and then that would be it. Trapped. Hunted. Helpless.

Her story has been stuck in my head ever since she told me it. She wasn’t bragging or looking for attention, and she didn’t try to blow the story up for more thatn it was. Just telling me what happened because it was a part of her life. Sure, it was still distant to me, but suddenly I had a friend who was in the thick of an abstract event. I don’t know why, but I can’t shake these questions in my mind:

Would I hide and hope to live?
Would I be a fighter and go down in flames?
Would I be calm or crazy?
Would I chop it up to, ‘At least I had a good 18 years’?

I honestly don’t know, but I am amazed at how Sarah handled herself. Maybe also I’m a little ashamed of how I might feel in that moment. Probably angry, desperate, confused, maybe even bitter. But would I have that right? I’ve had a great ride for the past 23 years. Sure, I can’t hear out of my left ear and I work 50+ hours a week and have 17 hours of class, but some people would kill to have those opportunities. I have a ton of awesome friends, a family that loves me dearly, a beautiful and amazing future wife, a year away from teaching in a real class room…

Starting today, I’m adopting Sarah’s philosophy. No matter what happens, I’ve had a good run. This has been a good race, and I hope I’ve done well with the time I’ve been given. After all, things aren’t really as distant as they seem from Nevada.